Larb (Laap, Laab, Lap, Lop) Thai/Lao Chicken Salad

Now, I am not Asian but I love Asian food. I used to work at this really yummy Thai place in Holland, Michigan, and this was by far my favorite dish. You're going to have to go to an Asian market in your area for a few ingredients and you can probably get them all there in one fell swoop. This dish is usually served as a meat and spices/greens mixture atop a bed of romaine lettuce with sticky rice on the side. I haven't yet mastered Thai sticky rice, or glutinous rice, but I can definitely link another post from someone who does know how to make it. This isn't the sticky rice you find in sushi recipes, it's a different type of rice altogether. Here is an excerpt I copied from wikipedia on glutinous rice: Glutinous rice is the main rice eaten in Laos (see Lao cuisine), where it is known as khao niao (Lao: ເຂົ້າໜຽວ): "khao" means rice, and "niao" means sticky. It is cooked by soaking for several hours and then steaming in a bamboo basket or houat (Lao: ຫວດ). After that, it should be turned out on a clean surface and kneaded with a wooden paddle to release the steam; this results in rice balls that will stick to themselves but not to fingers. The large rice ball is kept in a small basket made of bamboo or tip khao (Lao: ຕິບເຂົ້າ). The rice is sticky but dry, rather than wet and gummy like non-glutinous varieties. The fingers of the right hand are used to eat it by wadding the rice. The cooking method is different as well from the rice we Americans usually consume. We follow a "one cup water per cup of rice" recipe and then boil the two together. Sticky rice is steamed, not boiled. Usually you would need to purchase a traditional Lao bamboo basket to steam the rice in, but this ingenious food blogger over at www.shesimmers.com has posted a recipe to make sticky rice using only a splatter guard over a pot of boiling water. I've yet to try it, but I do have the rice- I just can't find a stupid splatter guard to save my life. So once I perfect making sticky rice I will post a blog on how to make it, but for now I am going to give you the chicken part of the recipe and the perfect (and healthy!) way to eat it without the rice. I'm going to say it again: I'm not Thai or Lao and this is an Americanized version of a popular dish in that region. I don't put mint in my larb, I've only had it with mint once and I was not a huge fan. I feel like mint is for desserts but to each his own, right?

Ingredients:

• One pound ground chicken or beef (or if you are feeling frisky, try turkey or pork, I've done it all, even ground lamb! Don't do it- it just wasn't.... right.)
  
• 4 green onions (or 7-8 small green onions), chopped (The recipe is the best when there is a lot of chopped onion and cilantro in it. I usually have almost as much greens as ground meat in mine.)
  
• handful of cilantro, chopped (tip: I find it easier to chop my green onion and then lay the cilantro on top of the onion and chop the two together until finely chopped)
  
• one shallot, sliced
  
• 2 tbsp fish sauce- I use Tiparos brand
  
• 3 tbsp lime juice- diehard Thai foodies will swear that you need fresh limes for this and I will agree that pasteurized lime juice isn't as good as fresh, but it does the job. Plus, I found a little organic lime juice that isn't from concentrate and tastes just as good in my regular grocery store!
  
• 1 tsp red pepper flakes
  
• 1 tbsp khao khua: this is a toasted rice powder and an integral part of the dish. If you omit any of the ingredients it won't taste right but this ingredient is more than necessary. It binds all the ingredients together and lends the larb a unique scent and taste. Too much of this and you'll have a slimy mess, too little and it will be all watery. I've found that one tablespoon khoa khua per pound of meat works quite well.
  
• romaine lettuce leaves, left whole and rinsed
  
• sriracha sauce- optional based on spice preference
  

Directions:

• Cook ground meat over medium heat until fully cooked. Turn burner off and let cool for 5 minutes. Do not drain the meat, you need the juices to mix with the khao khua!
• In a medium mixing bowl, combine meat, green onions, cilantro, shallot, red pepper flakes, fish sauce, lime juice, and khao khua with a spoon until well combined.
• That's it. Yep! Super simple- just load a spoonful into a lettuce leaf and fold up, insert in pie-hole, and enjoy! I like to add a little lime juice as I eat. Let me know if you try it and if you like it. My toddler and 7-year old are obsessed with this dish, as am I, and anyone I've prepared it for!

P.S. Here is a site that shows you how to make your own khao khua at home. My friend had a little trouble finding it so I figured that might help. The rice used in khao khua is raw glutinous rice, which is actually the base for Thai/Lao sticky rice as well. http://padaek.com/khao-khua-lao-ground-roasted-glutinous-rice-powder/

Hidden Oreo Brownie Cupcakes

Hidden Oreo Brownie Cupcakes

 Yes, you read that correctly. A brownie with a fucking Oreo inside. I was trolling the 'net and saw these bad boys and almost shat myself in excitement. I had just bought a box of brownie mix AND Double Stuf Oreos, and I was going for it. I did purchase the Oreos for my man originally. It's "his" snack... Not that I don't help eat them, we just pretty much hide them from the little hands in the house. Darn. Those little guys get everything! Let us have our cookies. DON'T JUDGE ME. *whew*

Anyway, do you want to know how I did it? Seriously though, the fact that you are having to read this for instructions is appalling. Fuck the instructions, I saw the picture and ran with it. But read on, dumbass. Ugh....

So I followed the instructions on this here box:

 Then, I spooned out batter into LINED cupcake pans. Lined with those frilly little fluted edge paper liners. Fuck the mess of trying to scrape my delicious brownies out of the cupcake pan. I've done it, and it blows hardcore. And I don't even want to fucking talk about cleaning that piece of shit. I don't have a dishwasher, so again, fuck all that mess. Don't have liners? Get off your ass and go get some. Or MacGyver yourself some make-do liners out of fucking coffee filters or something. Let me know how that works, actually. I haven't tried it but I totally would in a pinch. Or, you know what? Don't use liners, totally finger fuck the shit out of your brownies trying to get them out of that thing, and then kill yourself trying to clean the pan. I don't care.

Then, I tore open the package of Oreos like a frantic animal. I actually didn't even eat one while I was making these, of which I am quite proud! I didn't want to spoil my appetite. I wanted the first bite to be the mouthgasm I knew it could be. Anyway, I pushed one cookie into each little cup of batter and covered the tops with the batter that rose along the sides. I was worried that I put too much batter in each cup, but it was fine because brownies don't rise as much as a cupcake would. Who knew?

So this was the end product. And it was everything I dreamed it would be! Hot, fudgy (fudgey?) brownie with Oreo creme in the middle. The cookie itself just kind of blended in with the rest of the brownie when it came to taste, but the creme was all gooey and scrumptious. What a fun word that is, huh? Fucking scrumptious! The tops were hard and crispy, like the edge of a brownie. Everyone loves brownie edges, that's why they made a pan dedicated to making each brownie have a crispy edge. I've yet to get one of those, unfortunately. And making these was so easy. My 7 year old could make this. If you can't handle this recipe, you should probably just end it all now. Seriously.